my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.