My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
🤔😂😂
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.