Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.