i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
What
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.