I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?