Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.