when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.