I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.