HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
yall want some gasoline milk
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?