He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
best review i’ve ever seen
I’m giving up for Lent.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.