[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.