Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?