I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*