I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-