*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
This took me a second..
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon