normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip