[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.