My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting