My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
are they though??
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Brilliant!
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.