It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.