Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Those are good neighbors.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.