Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
In Canada they just call them geese
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.