Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
You Might Also Like
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Wake me when AI does housework
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I think I’m having a stroke