Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
How to properly lift a body
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.