Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
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[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Breaking news:
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry