Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.