Just so funny
You Might Also Like
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
do horses think humans are hats
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.