[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.