I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Blew out my flip flop…
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.