When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Leaving the Barbers like
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.