[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Canada has crack?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.