Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
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I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
それは草
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
doing your own taxes
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)