This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You Might Also Like
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work