“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly