All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
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We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Shower sex be like:
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?