can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
new year update: losing everything but weight
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission