Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets