What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I did not eat the cake…