me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.