*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
It’s a gift
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
#JohnTravolta
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.