I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.