I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
my mom making me talk to relatives
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
did it work
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many