The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
i really liked this one
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.