People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Candles never taste the way they smell
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”