Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head