Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.