I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’d use my best pan on you.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.