Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already