My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.