“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text